Blondie - Panic of Girls

Past-it? Sadly, yes.

There's something dreadfully treasonable about slagging off the new material from some of your musical heroes. But that said, it would be something in the way of blind faith to expect the release of Panic of Girls, Blondie's first album in 8 years, to be anything special - especially when the last one (The Curse of Blondie) was so overwhelmingly average. Even the shortest glimpse of the band's music video for their new single, 'Mother', should have ruffled a few of even the most diehard fans' feathers - just what Harry is thinking with the kind of Dolly Parton-after-a-meth-binge hair is beyond me - but enough childish digs.

The album, released via an interesting supermarket package at the end of May, begins with 'D-Day', a cold rapid synth track that could probably slot into a FIFA football soundtrack quite easily but you'd be pushed to remember it once it's over. 'What I Heard' is a touch more memorable, with a nice chorus that manages to thankfully plaster over some choice lyrics ("I've heard it all before, it's a total bore"), and is (dare I say?) quite good.


The first single from the record, 'Mother' is a distinctly Maria brand of Blondie that's not necessarily a bad thing. Ignoring the slightly dream-crushing video, the track is probably better than we could come to expect from a post-punk band in their 60s with a pretty good pop-chorus but there's a slight decline in Harry's voice that's quite obvious here (she sounds strained, whereas 'Maria' was sung with gusto). 'The End The End' is a dash of No Doubt reggae-lite with some rather out-of-it autotuned vocals that's a little bit sweet, a little bit sinister, a big bit forgettable. 'Girlie Girlie' is 'Red Red Wine's less-annoying brother, with Harry pulling off the twang worryingly easily: it's a fun song.

They return to a more typical Blondie sound in 'Love Doesn't Frighten Me' - which has a pretty solid new-wave chorus that, whilst repetitive, is a touch more reliable (and some would say bland or average) for them. "Our meeting has come to a grind" announces Debbie coolly on 'Words in My Mouth' which slowly creeps and leaves you constantly wondering "is this the chorus? No is this it?" which says a lot of its structure and direction - but vocally Harry is more in her comfort zone here and less irritating. It's just a shame the instrumentation goes nowhere. 'Sunday Smile' returns to the reggae-pop with some nice brass inclusions and a fully mellow vibe that's hard to resist but I can't help but feel that it's such a lazy attitude to take, putting out this kind of music because it's all laidback and lovely.

So the band, hearing my boredom, go for a bit of a latin-disco in 'Wipe off my Sweat'. "Papi, papi, you're the best!" Debbie coos in a squeaky autotune and the song's actually too daft not to love. It does a feel a little bit like the band are going for the most obvious European stereotypes to get an easy international hit, but perhaps that's a bit too cynical. But then there's an accordion in 'Le Bleu' that reinforces my opinion. The track is full of poise and drama and it's probably more tongue-in-cheek than serious romance, but it sounds a little more fun to record than it is to hear. The record closes with 'China Shoes' (which, thankfully, doesn't have some traditional Chinese music), a slow contemplative track that is by far the most coherent and strong on the album: "remember me, remember that you're mine" she soothes, in what's overall a very sweet slice of romance.


Altogether the album sounds a little bit like a No Doubt one... with all of the hits missing. There seems to be a bit of an attitude that because a band has put out so many genre-defining, scene-changing records, they can get away with anything - especially when the band can kind of get away with the likes of 3 star reviews from NME'S blind worship. I did fear that the record would be a whole lot worse than this though - and if 'The Curse of Blondie' was their 'Hours...' (yes I'm using a David Bowie analogy, what of it?) then 'Panic of Girls' is their 'Reality'...except it's nowhere near as good as Reality...it'd just make a nice place to finish.

Rating: 4/10
Highlights: China Shoes, Girlie Girlie, Wipe Off My Sweat, Mother, Love Doesn't Frighten Me
Avoid: What I Heard, Le Bleu, Words in my Mouth, The End The End
Artwork Watch: Arguably the most interesting thing about the record - but still not that interesting.