Kelly Rowland - Here I Am


Do you remember when Destiny's Child split up and Kelly Rowland surprised everyone by proving that two members of the group could sustain a successful solo career? Well despite no real monumental success, Rowland is still going - but has she sold her soul to the devil that is this squalid vat of shite eurodance-cum-guest spot from Pitbull/Lil Wayne? Short answer: Yes. I'm afraid the woman behind some of the early 2000s' surprise hits (and good hits, at that) such as 'Stole', 'Can't Nobody' and Nelly's 'Dilemma' has, after some brief flirtations in 'Like This' and 'Work', become a soulless drone of the David Guetta persuasion.

Because, whilst last year's comeback 'Commander' was one of the French DJ's high points, it only goes downhill from there. So tuck yourselves in, this one's going to be nasty.


We start off with 'I'm Dat Chick' which straight away ditches any sense of vocabulary: "I'm putting on a show so you can check me out/ This chick knows she cute so what you talking bout?" Indeed. Whilst the track is full of what idiots may call 'swagger' or 'heat', it's energetic in the same sense that a fish flaps about on dry land before death. "Every good woman need a good man" Rowland purrs in a shocking double-attack on feminism and grammar on 'Work It Man', which introduces us to the charming Lil Playy (because the pop world was in dire need of another 'rapper' available for guest slots) who chips in with "I've got my eyes on you Kelly, textin' on your cell-y". Well. Another tick for suicide right there.

The sleaze is poured on in single 'Motivation' with an arguably catchy beat (although the inevitable 20 plays a day from my sister's Kiss channel-viewing habits might have something to do with that). I'm then faced with the problem of trying to stay level-headed when writing critically about Lil Wayne, which is much like being introduced to, and expected to shake hands with, the man who's just slaughtered your pets. So abhorrent and devoid of any ounce of originality, talent or worth, his slippery double-entendres here have has much sex appeal as a rotting whale carcass. By 'Lay It On Me' you're almost ticking off every dance-pop cliché as the J.R. Rotem klaxon kicks it off (although I'm informed he has no responsibility here). The tune is rather conventional and before I get ahead of myself and say "is decent", I very much doubt I'll remember how this goes once it's over.

Let's reduce 'Feeling Me Right Now' to some lyrical highlights:
"It’s like no one’s in the VIP but you and me
I know which bed I’m in tonight, baby"

"So back, back, back it up, you’re the one I got my eye on
Don’t give me your number, its already in my iPhone"

"Feeling great, looking like money
She aint scared to spend it, she be stunting on you dummies"

Yeah. 'Turn It Up' is a slightly more forgivable track because it reels in a few of the blusters and background fillers in favour of a comparatively quieter and simpler tune. The chorus is capable but again nowhere near even Rowland's career highs, which are surely rapidly slipping away now. 'All of the Night' then tries to restore some of the sensual R&B 'foreplay' (the song's own words - aren't we all so dignified now?) and miraculously required 9 writers. Amazing. There's finally a sign of a bit of a ballad in 'Keep It Between Us' and it's a welcome inclusion. It's a slight reminder that Rowland has a strong voice and is a natural popstar, a reminder that we really shouldn't need.


Of course, last year's 'Commander' makes it onto the record because - let's face it - it's a bit of a reminder that sometimes she can have a decent single. If you're unfamiliar with it then you should expect a slight military theme over some Guetta synths commanding (geddit?) you to dance! Genius. Just when you think she's ended on a slight positive, 'Down For Whatever' waltzes in with a tune (a generous turn of phrase, let's be honest) that's essentially Jennifer Lopez's On The Floor without the Lambada. Not RedOne's finest hour, but then does he have any without Lady GaGa? Doubtful. The supposed feature slot from The WAVs is also nowhere to be seen.

For someone so eager to present herself on a plate (with the album title, at least) it seems remarkable that one should indulge in so many obscuring musical gimmicks: autotune here, 239 guest slots there. This record is the absolute antithesis to growth. What's truly staggering though is that 11 tracks were deemed not good enough to make this. But then one of them features Pitbull, so maybe we should be thankful.

Rating: 1.5/10
Highlights: Commander, Keep It Between Us, Turn It Up
Avoid: All of the Night, Down For Whatever, Motivation, Lay It On Me, Work It Man

Artwork Watch: Blue tints are never a good sign. Ewww x 100.

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