David Guetta - Nothing But the Beat

When I wrote my review for LMFAO's album just a few weeks ago I'd imagined my musical torture for the year to be over, and that nothing could feasibly be worse. I underestimated myself and my hatred for a vast number of other musicians - a large proportion of which make an appearance on this, the Now! compilation of songs that inexplicably sound the same. Yet, despite possessing guest spots from will.i.am., Usher, Chris Brown, Jessie J, Taio Cruz, Ludacris, Akon, Timbaland AND Lil Wayne, I wouldn't quite totally write Nothing But the Beat off. Because - as much as I like to pretend I loathe everything about Mr. Guetta and his laughable habit of appearing in his own videos as if he's attractive or something - he HAS come up with some decent tunes (When Love Takes Over, Love Don't Let Me Go, One Love, Love Is Gone - these four shall henceforth be referred to as the Lovelies). Sadly his old go-to pals like Chris Willis have been exchanged for the famous and the feeble.

However, I would be foolish to look into this record for something with artistic merit. Well. Foolish or optimistic. Music is supposed to be an art form after all. Anyone still subscribe to that line of thought? Please? Alas, pop albums seem to be judged at arm's length nowadays. It's expected to see "3 or 4 singles and the rest is shit filler" according to everyone, but here... I'm not convinced the singles are any good either.


Let's start with #3 hit (in the UK), 'Where Them Girls At?', a visionary reinterpretation of the tune that propelled Guetta to stardom in 2008 (Sexy Bitch/Chick. I dare you to question their identical tune). Any brief signs of a prosperous career ahead for Nicki Minaj following some strong performances with Kanye West are thrown out of the window with her autotuned, gimmicky chunk of schizophrenia that - whilst shocking and entertaining on Monster - only adds to the frenetic and directionless eurodance. Flo-Rida is of course on hand to mull over the phenomenon that is "girls". Taio Cruz and Ludacris are on hand for 'Little Bad Girl', a lo-fi, bass-heavy thumper that is at least somewhat passable for Ludacris' verse and a Daft Punkish bridge towards the end. Nicki Minaj returns, but is unrecognisable on 'Turn Me On', a shrill effort that almost blows you away with its outlandish sexual desperation. Then comes the remix of Snoop Dogg's 'Wet' (or 'Sweat', in some vain attempt to censor and show modesty) - and again another tune (Felix's Don't You Want Me) is shamelessly pilfered for the forgetful masses. It's almost as if going out and getting trashy every weekend fucks up your mental capacity.

It's rare that you'll hear me compliment Usher but he really does save this album with 'Without You'. The tune is of course predictable and perhaps a nod to the U2 song of a similar name, but Usher's restrained and almost soulful vocal really is a breath of fresh air in amongst all the adrenaline-fuelled sex that built up to this. It's by no means brilliant, but bears the potential of being listenable. There then comes the obligatory Clocks (Coldplay) tune derivative on 'Nothing Really Matters', with will.i.am. Again, it feels a lot more manageable than the first three tracks, but the tune is so obvious and will.i.am's boasts and lyrical diarrhoea really sabotage any decency there might've been in the blueprints. 'I Can Only Imagine' has Chris Brown and Lil Wayne on it, doing their respective autotuned standards. "You’re a firework, better in the dark. So let's turn off the lights and give me that spark". Really. By now we've reverted to buzzing sounds and Pitbull territory - 'Crank It Up' with Akon is everything you'd expect it to be, which is to say, awful.

But the real cause for offence comes courtesy of Timbaland and Dev's 'I Just Wanna Fuck'. Even ignoring the horrific title, it's a bit like watching a schoolgirl grind in the lap of her headmaster. Everything from the ill-executed attempts at M.I.A.-style electronic bleeps to the cold, uncommanding and almost subliminal vocal delivery from both parties makes this utterly cringeworthy. There's then a total remake of Rihanna's 'Only Girl (in the World)' with Jennifer Hudson on 'Night Of Your Life'. Absolutely every section is a repeat. How the fuck are people not picking up on this? Light at the end of the tunnel now, Shaun. Hold on there. 'Repeat' with Jessie J is probably going to chart well because that soulless uninteresting bitch can apparently sit with a broken leg asking the crowd to sing her unoriginal and repetitive tunes for her and we all lap it up, so there's that for you. However, the unlikeliest and therefore best collaboration comes at the end - 'Titanium' with...erm...Sia. Yeah. I imagine this'll be a pretty fatal blow to her credibility but her husky voice finally brings a redeemable quality to this album, and one of its strongest hooks only helps to pin this as far-and-away the best track on show.


Adverts will tell you that this is the soundtrack to the parties of your dreams. Realistically, this is the soundtrack to crawling around a semen-stained sticky club carpet for 20p coins to scrape together and buy another Apple Sourz with.

Rating: 1/10
Highlights: Titanium, Without You, Little Bad Girl
Avoid: Sweat, I Just Wanna Fuck, Crank It Up, I Can Only Imagine, Nothing Really Matters

Artwork Watch: Does not compute.