Union J - Union J


Right. Don't mention One Direction.

Ah.

Following in the footsteps of the UK's biggest export since colonialism is quite a daunting task. The group of 4 - sort of dramatically shoved together by Louis Walsh in what was definitely not a lust for as much adolescent penis as possible - emerged as the fourth-placed act on 2012's series of the X Factor, overcoming both Rylan Clark AND the unfortunate handicap that one of their members (Louis' late addition) had a name that begins with G.


As one would expect, the album - self titled as though to reinforce brand identity - gets all of the singles out of the way before a couple of covers, ballads and piss-puddle-club smashes fight towards pretending they have a whole album in them in the first place. They are, in order, the chest-clutching romantic debut 'Carry You' with its oooooh!s and clapping all-around pop factor, the serious-face acoustic guitar "just telling a story about this girl I like lol" bit on 'Beautiful Life' and the standard third-single-turning-out-to-be-the-best-one 'Loving You is Easy' (see One Direction's: One Thing, Kiss You and whatever's next). The latter still isn't exactly memorable enough to pop up out of nowhere in your head whilst cleaning the dishes, but is a fine concoction of nice vocals, Calvin Harris-infused synths and backing choirs. Lovely.

What follows is a series of flagrant ripoffs (try and tell me 'Last Goodbye' isn't Passion Pit's Take a Walk, I dare you), curious metaphors ("Move my heart like a metronome... I play you like an instrument/ let me be your Beethoven") that sound like something poorly translated from a Romanian Eurovision entry, and happy-go-lucky postMraz 'Head in the Clouds' that's just unrelentingly cheerful, like a Mormon at the front door.

I can't bring myself to properly lash out at the band, who're working with pretty decent voices and pop songs like 'Where Are You Now' are - whilst safe and a bit obvious - extremely listenable and satisfactory. It's just that the lasting impression of this album is naff trend-chasing pop from a producer with absolutely no stunning output in his career whatsoever (JLS and the Wanted hitmaker Steve Mac).


This is ultimately and predictably a very middle of the road effort rushed out to try and tack onto those hundreds of thousands of teens whose attention span would've inevitably turned to Sam Callahan this year otherwise. It's a little disappointing that RCA couldn't have at least made sure all of the songs were original, in order to elevate them from X Factor "sing along if you know it!" status, but there are a couple of new songs here that're mildly enjoyable in a "stuck in a traffic jam and Greg James is being forced to play it" way. The thing is not one of these singles is even close to What Makes You Beautiful and I'm therefore totally ambivalent.

Also, enough about George Shelley. This band's hottie is clearly JJ.

Rating: 3/10
Highlights: Loving You is Easy; Carry You; Where Are You Now
Avoid: Beautiful Life; Beethoven; Save the Last Dance

Artwork Watch: Least convincing living room of all time.
For fans of: Uh...
Up next: Eminem  

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