Rihanna - Unapologetic

With the release of the Rihanna annual there's usually the enticing treat of a commanding lead single. Only Girl (in the World) came at the height of the Guetta synthfest; We Found Love came at the height of Calvin Harris' tolerability; Russian Roulette was a career-high cracker. This year, we were offered the Sia-penned 'Diamonds', a single so bewilderingly absent of hooks and with such a disillusioned vocal that we have to just take a second out of our day now and give Rihanna an intervention.

It's not exactly a new complaint of mine that I could go a good while without Rihanna. Sure, there are about 10 great songs under her name scattered about here and there but there's a heaving pile of shit weighing them down. The whole Chris Brown debacle being treated as though anything other than a distasteful, appalling blow for domestic violence awareness and a shameful "this'll get them talking" business strategy just exhausts me, and I'm tired of having to explain just where Rihanna stopped being anything close to a respectable human being.

Unapologetic gets started with the profane, nasal 'Fresh Off the Runway', a wasp's-nest hook with this horrible distant effect on Rihanna's vocals making her brags and swagger seem miles away. Failure to engage with the audience right away. On the single 'Diamonds' she hacks into the very-relevant, very-current new-wave Police revivalism of the moment (see: Bruno Mars' comeback single) with some interesting sounds, but lyrically it just stinks, and it's delivered all too calmly and with odd vocal twangs that prevent it from being the showstopper it could have been on a better day. 2010 monolith Love the Way You Lie's main-man Eminem pops up for 'Numb', an odd collection of half-finished sounds and riffs that have the potential to be mixed together to something exciting, but the end result is just confusion. "Still got my money!" she maintains on 'Pour It Up', a track of equal nothingness. A lot of people I've talked about the album with have dismissed 'Loveeeeeee Song' as a waste of time, but for me it's one of the highlights; the beat is slow, but fused with these drawn-out synths and arpeggios that make it vaguely engaging. I can see why some are unimpressed with Future's more vocal sides of his work on the track though, sounding more like a drunk Arab hitting on her rather than anything interesting.

British chart-botherers Chase & Status are billed to appear on 'Jump' but, unless they've undergone a massive sonical revolution in the past two years I fail to see what they bring to the table beyond the most stereotypical WUBWUBWUB~ nonsense going. At least Rihanna herself is focused here, and makes a vocal performance that's neither autotuned beyond repair nor nasally irritating. Speaking of unwanted producers, David Guetta pops up on 'Right Now'. It's just... I could go find the thesaurus on my shelves right now, and look up "terrible", and spend a while finding a word suitable, but nothing fits. It's groundbreaking in its destruction of the soul. You'll see below that I don't give this a completely spiteful rating and it's off the strength of the three successive tracks 'What Now', 'Stay' and the potential of 'Nobody's Business'. The former two are commanding vocal performances and - on another album - possible highlights, but here they're like finding a £20 note in a sewer. No one's going to try to do that, are they? 'Stay' in particular is exceedingly pretty, and that's not something I say lightly since most of her hit ballads (Unfaithful, California King Bed) in the past have had this so-nasal-my-eyes-are-bleeding "GET AWAY" effect on me.

The ironic and frustrating truth about the album's Chris Brown collaboration, 'Nobody's Business', is that the tune itself is by far the most fun and interesting of the album. It's quickly forgotten though by the Police-sampling two-parter 'Love Without Tragedy/Mother Mary' that desperately throws up James Dean, Marilyn Monroe and other americana storytelling cliches for sake of intrigue, but nothing sticks. The three and a half minutes of 'Get It Over With' ironically take forever to pass, before the jaunty, kooky 'No Love Allowed' tries rather late in the game to get something going. She quickly reverts to the synthetic, airbrushed 'Lost in Paradise' that asks "what am I supposed to do with this heart?" The answer seems to be willing ignorance and that's a little disheartening, but at least there's a vaguely catchy 8-bit accompaniment to make it worth your while.

I just... I don't enjoy hating on victims of violence. A small part of me does see the side that's all "hey, man, she can forgive him so just get over it". But there's this overwhelming cynical view of the whole thing that just makes me think this is a ploy to grab attention, stay in the limelight and make headlines. Because without the sensationalism this album really is nothing: it's an empty shell of shit sounds, ridiculous lyrics and absolutely nothing original, catchy or artistic. I guess the main argument that I'd make is that the reason bands like Arcade Fire and women like Bjork take upwards of three years to do something new is that it takes time honing your talents, finding something that works and has some value. In 30 years time is Rihanna going to look back on 'Get It Over With' and think anything profound or remember something significant? No, she's going to remember being chased around by the paparazzi, partying, taking drugs and showing flesh. Good for you, Rihanna, but in the meantime remember people - some of whom may be victims of domestic violence themselves - are paying you for this manure.

Rating: 1.5/10
Highlights: Stay, No Love Allowed, Lost in Paradise, Diamonds
Avoid: Power it Up, Numb, Fresh off the Runway, Right Now

Artwork Watch: Rushed and a prominent pair of tits. Says it all, really.
Up next: Crystal Castles