Britney Spears - Britney Jean

Looking back over the career of Spears is a little like rediscovering your old Bebo account: a handful of moments that defined your childhood and teenage years shrouded by an overall sense of embarrassment and tackiness. The breakdown, the sleazy music videos and the tabloid relationships all help build up the impression that she's an interesting personality when in reality she's just been the most prominent example of a puppet since Kermit the Frog. Her overwhelming lack of intelligence, talent and unique identity has bewilderingly left her path to world dominance unobstructed, but her story has made a couple of decent albums.

Blackout and Femme Fatale might not have had the same hits and dominance that singles from her earlier bubblegum phase carried, but they were slickly produced and excellently timed to make her breakdown and recovery all the more compelling. Blackout may have been a little exploitative, sure, but her whole career has been built on exploitation. "Here's a seventeen year old in a schoolgirl outfit, dancing," Jive bragged in 1998. "Look at me draining her soul through my mouth as I try to stay relevant!" Madonna cried in 2003. "Why yes, I am available!" Britney squealed on the phone to Simon Cowell. Britney Jean is touted as "her most personal album yet", as though her other album called Britney was a concept piece about the Iraq war, and has come without the courtesy of any memorable pop songs.

I needn't establish my thoughts on the album being overseen by perennial shit-stain will.i.am. after my thoughts of his sole contribution to Femme Fatale, 'Big Fat Bass'; the album speaks for itself. In fact, Britney Jean begins promisingly with an almost-continuation of 2011's fine closer Criminal, 'Alien' (perhaps a subliminal message to deport immigrants, perhaps not). "There was a time when I was one of a kind," she acknowledges sadly over a folktronica beat that showcases the greater William - Orbit's - ear for a sublime laidback vibe. It then crashes abruptly into the sleazy, forgettable gym-thrusting mess that is 'Work Bitch'. Even ignoring the nonsensical lyrics with their shameless commercialism and provocative title, it just limps by with a flashy music video. Nothing else comes of it. Second single 'Perfume' follows with a vaguely cute tune but her appalling lyricism ("such a classic tale") and a glaring vocal resemblance to Tulisa restricts it from being charming.

Willdotidotam does his usual "jumping up from the producer's chair" move on 'It Should Be Easy', probably with the intention of getting another opportunity to dick around in its music video like fellow shit-summoner David Guetta, and the song is the year's greatest affront to autotune. 'Tik Tik Boom' is no less synthy-dubby than it, and just has the semblance of a CD getting stuck in its player. T.I. nobly continues his quest to be the industry's most boring rapper, too, with lyrics about titties and other shit. By 'Body Ache' you're almost wondering if Spears is releasing her feelings through stunted English in her song titles, because it's another tiring one hook repeated over and over again whilst will.i.am. gets distracted by Twitter or a picture of a car or something.

There're two valid attempts at actual songwriting on the Diplo-featuring 'Passenger', and the actual presence of anything that sounds like an instrument, and closer 'Don't Cry' and its passing sense of something emotional going on, but both are sandwiched by the appalling club tedium of 'Til It's Gone' and the agonisingly schmaltzy duet with her sister, 'Chillin' With You'. It's revealed that they drink different-coloured wine. That's about the only impression I get from the track.

This too shall pass.

Rating: 1.5/10
Highlights: Alien; Passenger
Avoid: Chillin' With You; It Should be Easy; Tik Tik Boom; Work Bitch; Til It's Gone

Artwork Watch: Boring.
Up next: One Direction